Jealousy can easily take over our relationships, make us angry, agitated, and depressed, and hijack our emotions. Sexual jealousy can be so powerful that it can even lead people to break up their romantic relationships. So, if something can be so destructive, why do we feel jealous? Why are we the cause of our own suffering? Do we want to suffer?

No, we don’t want to suffer. But acting on our jealous feelings can lead to our suffering and to our partner’s suffering. How does it make sense?

There are many factors that contribute to jealousy.

Two theories are relevant when explaining the cause of jealousy: the first is parental investment theory that proposes that it will not be adaptive to the survival of our genes if we expend most of our efforts to taking care of someone else’s genes. Women know without a doubt that they are the mother of their children, but men are unsure. This is what accounts for the fact that research shows that men are more jealous about sexual infidelity while women are more jealous about emotional closeness with a competitor.

The second theory that is especially relevant to jealousy between siblings and friends is the model of limited resources. Throughout evolutionary history people lived close to starvation. Thus, any competitors in the family (or friends) would compete for the limited resources available. So, jealousy is a competitive emotion that has evolved—and persists to this day.

For example, one man traced his jealousy to learning that his father had cheated on his mother for many years—and everyone else knew about it except him. How could he trust anyone after that? Another woman described a history of relationships with men who cheated on her—so she had an expectation of betrayal.

In contrast, people who avoid closeness—people who value autonomy—are the least jealous, because they don’t rely on closeness and the relationship has less value to them.

Often, in the first few months of relationship with someone, you have less invested and you are less jealous. As the relationship develops, you become more vulnerable to jealousy, because you have more to lose. Relationships that are shorter lived, ones that are superficial or have less meaning, are ones where you will be less prone to jealousy.

For example, long-term relationships (that have more invested) are less prone to jealousy. For example, couples have greater uncertainty with geographic distance or where one partner is involved with someone else (e.g., someone who is married). Other forms of uncertainty include differences between partners in level of commitment, differences in expectations of monogamy, and differences in values of appropriate behavior.

You think that this relationship is essential to your happiness. If you think you have good alternatives, you are less prone to jealousy. One alternative can be a good support system—not just a good partner. If you have friends and family who you can rely on, you are less prone to the fear of losing the relationship.

The research on this is mixed—some studies show low self-esteem is related to more jealousy, while other studies show no relationship between the two. Your jealousy is signaling an imbalance in the relationship, and you won’t let someone treat you this way.

I call this the Jealousy Hijack. Our thinking becomes focused on threat, jumps to conclusions (“My partner will leave me”), engages us in mind reading (“He is interested in her”), and discounts our positives (“Our relationship is not important”). Our unrealistic assumptions of perfect romance, complete transparency, and freedom from conflicts will contribute to rules for relationships that are often impossible for us to live up to.

Jealousy can lead to behaviors that make things worse. Jealous partners engage in interrogation, checking, stalking, threatening, criticizing the competition or withdrawing from their partner. These “coping” strategies often backfire—driving the partner away, threatening the relationship, and—ironically—adding to the jealousy.

Ultimately, jealousy is about the two people who are feeling connected to each other. There are techniques that partners can use to talk about jealousy, come up with a mutual plan for coping with your differences, and build trust.

• Being paranoid about what the partner is doing or feeling

• Demanding an account of where the partner has been

• Displaying unusual insecurity and fear

• Engaging in storytelling and making accusations that are not true

• Excessively questioning a partner's behaviors and motives

• Following or stalking a partner to confirm whereabouts

• Infringing on the partner's freedom or prohibiting them from seeing friends or family

• Reading emails and texts or listening to voicemails expecting to discover infidelity or a lie3

• Texting a partner non-stop when the couple is apart

1. Trace it back to its source

2. Voice your concerns

3. Talk to a trusted friend

4. Put a different spin on jealousy

5. Consider the full picture

6. Practice gratitude for what you have

7. Practice in-the-moment coping techniques

8. Explore underlying issues

9. Remember your own value

10. Practice mindfulness

11. Give it time

12. Talk to a therapist